Introduction to the Imposter Syndrome
When you set a goal of going from 0 to Olympics in 5 years you learn a lot about being an Imposter.
Last summer, in my first Canadian National Championships I was consumed with this feeling. Feeling like a boy amongst giants I wanted to shrivel up and disappear.
For 5 days leading up to the first throw I struggled to quiet the voices of self-doubt and negativity.
Finally, while stepping into the circle at game time I was somehow able to “steel myself”, drop the story and perform at my best.
After placing 3rd in Canada I wrote about this learning experience here.
TLDR… I had put the imposter syndrome to bed.
And for 6 months I believed I had done just that. But I couldn’t have been more wrong…
The shadows of the subconscious
I began my second season with a trip down to LA where I would have the opportunity to compete alongside some of the world’s best.
Death by 1,000 seemingly meaningless decisions
The day of my first meet I wanted to keep from going stir crazy in the hotel room so despite not throwing until 4PM I packed up and left the hotel at 9AM.
After grabbing breakfast and a coffee I ended up at the track at 10:30AM.
Not thinking much of it I decided to find some shade away from the event and lie down for a nap. As I got out of my rental car I realized I had nothing to carry my gear in. Travelling on Allegiant air where they charge for every ounce I decided to take the bare essentials… All I had in the trunk was a carry on suitcase.
Slightly frustrated with my lack of foresight, I decided I could walk 1 kilometre to the nearest grocery store and use a grocery bag as my ‘gear bag’ for the day.
A 1km walk back and now I was ready to find my spot of shade, throw on my headphones and lie down.
By 1:30PM I was having a hard time staying put, I found myself walking around the track, stopping periodically to spectate and then continuing on.
Little did I know by the time I showed up for my event I had walked over 8 kilometres. In the back of my mind this lingered as a major mistake, but I shook it off and reminded myself that I walk 10 kilometres everyday back home.
Rookie.
Energy conservation – a competitors ultimate pursuit
It was timely then when later that night I would read in Gold in the Water, that Kurt Grote, one of USAs top swimmers, would leave his hotel room only once for a meal with his parents in the course of a 5 day event (outside of being shuttled to and from the pool). His stipulation, the restaurant had to be within 200 paces of the hotel, otherwise it was a no go – the energy cost too great.
Holy crap. Back at the event I covered up my Garmin watch which bragged about how many steps I had taken that day.
The imposter who lurks in the shadows
Even as I showed up for my event I didn’t see what was going on. Cognitively I was in full preparation mode. But I couldn’t ignore the small anxieties and curve balls that kept coming up, chunking small barely noticeable cracks in my armour one by one. Being at the track too long… not having a simple bag for my gear… being in the sun without sunscreen or glasses.
My imposter syndrome was camouflaging itself in the smallest most corners of my preparation.
Game time… I think.
By 3:30 I was warming up in the staging area, full focus, getting ready for my 4PM event start. 30 minutes later I was headed to the ring with my Discus shoes on – ready to go. It wasn’t until I showed up at the Discus circle that I began to realize because there were over 50 throwers competing and I was among the top 10, I would be seeded in the 5th and final flight, not to throw for another 2 hours.
Another small crack in the armour. I took off my shoes and began to cool down on the purgatory feeling sidelines.
When our flight time finally came, I lined up with all the other throwers to get some practice throws in.
This is when I realized I was the only thrower that brought just 1 disc to the event. Every other competitor in line had a disc in each hand and proceeded to attempt 2 throws at a time. This may not seem like a big deal but when you consider 10 throwers being allotted 15-20 minutes to warm up in the circle total, each thrower throwing 2 discs at a time, to cut my already limited warm up by 50% is significant.
I felt embarrassed and ashamed of myself.
I had to go up to other competitors and ask if I could borrow their disc to warm up with. Almost all rightfully said no.
Now full of anxiety I was rushing through my whole warm up process to try and squeeze in as many throws as possible. I felt completely victimized by the situation I had wholly put myself into.
The imposter creates a victimized illusion
Through the course of dozens of small seemingly inconsequential decisions I had played right into the hands of the Imposter Syndrome. I was again feeling like an outsider.
Needless to say I had a terrible performance in the ring. Racked with nerves and anxiety, I had failed before even setting one foot in the circle.
In many ways I had failed before ever booking the trip.
What are your stories teaching you?
As I was flying home I reflected on the experience and acknowledged that I had subconsciously architected every dynamic of my LA meltdown. Despite being utterly unaware until too late, I was owning an “imposter mindset” that impacted every micro-decision I made leading up to competing at the event.
When preparing for LA I was thinking “how can I survive this trip? How can I do it most affordably? Most efficiently?”
I chuckled on the plane as I compared that mindset to those of the Olympians who travelled to LA to throw in that same event.
Would they have only brought one disc? Would they have walked 8km’s in the sun before the event? Would they have tried to save every penny to the point of not even having a bag to house their gear?
The answer became glaringly obvious.
Death to the Imposter Syndrome
On that plane ride home I vowed to kill this version of the imposter syndrome lurking in my subconscious.
I committed to implementing this with a simple question. When preparing for my next practice or upcoming meet I would ask myself:
“What would it look like to prepare for this as a world class Olympic thrower?”
In the answer to this question there is no room for the imposter to exist.
The imposter lurking in your shadows
We are all making these decisions in our lives every day. We are either subconsciously treating ourselves as the world class performer or the imposter who doesn’t belong.
And like my experience in LA because these decisions are so small and subconscious in nature, we don’t realize what is happening until it is too late – until the train wreck is imminent.
Until we miss the promotion, lose the deal, or break the relationship.
I encourage you to take a look at the goal or dream you’re chasing and the decisions you’ve made along your journey. Do these decisions resemble the world class version of yourself chasing that goal, or the imposter?
And I challenge you, paint a picture in your mind of what world class looks like, and do every little thing in your power to intentionally live that through each and every decision.
Declare death to your imposter lurking in the shadows.
Where to from here? The 2017 Season
There are several action items I need to take to kill my LA trip imposter, among them:
– Buying a proper competition bag for all of my gear.
– Buying competition discuses and a proper carrying case.
– Travelling with sunscreen (I got terribly burnt in LA), second skin and athletic tape.
– Buying new training shoes (my shoes broke for the 4th or 5th time while in LA requiring me to again ask someone to tape up my laces and the soles of my shoes).
– Buying new throwing shoes (I am yet again throwing in shoes with holes in them).
– Buying chalk and a chalk bag
– Buying lifting straps (which I continue to unrightfully borrow from a teammate or coach)
– Buying polarized glasses for the hours when I do absolutely have to be in the sun.
– Staying at my own hotel room so I can prepare as needed (I stayed with teammates on this trip who were incredibly generous and great company however I felt at times like I was imposing.)
How will I afford all of this?
I have no idea. But that can’t be an excuse anymore. I am done letting that story breathe life into my journey. It may be painful and difficult, but I know Tash, myself, and our Tribe will find a way to survive.
My call for help.
The items listed above will cost well over $1,000.
If there is an individual, group, or business out there that would like to sponsor the death of my imposter syndrome for this 2017 season I would be humbled and grateful.
Please email me at tyrellmara@gmail.com if this is something you are interested in exploring.
Popular Posts
A Guide to Unlocking the Real Value of Goal Setting
I set my first audacious goal over 20 years ago. I was 9 years old and with much encouragement,...
August 8, 20200How to Navigate Life’s Big Decisions & the Hierarchy of Human Performance
Life, for us all, comes down to decisions. How are we going to choose to live our lives. What...
How to Accelerate Your Learning & Growth Trajectory
Living Life by a Simple Hypothesis
Sometimes I think we overcomplicate things in life. I find that when I live in tune with the hypothesis below, I am happy, fulfilled and feeling as if I’m doing my best work in the world.
I am at my best when striving towards a pursuit that intrinsically motivates me, is aligned with my values in life and challenges me beyond my comfort zone.
I refer to this state as “The Deep End” of life and I aspire to access this environment for as long and frequently as possible. Why? Because the opportunity it provides me for deep, paradigm shifting learning and growth is unrivalled.
I believe that over the long game of life — years and decades — this learning and growth compounds to create exponential value and results.
So far so good? Hopefully you can think of an experience in your own life where you have experienced the rich learnings from a dive way out of your comfort zone in the Deep End.
There’s one problem I have encountered with the Deep End, it is not actually where we capture our greatest learning and growth.
Let me explain further.
How We Learn: The Present and the Future
I believe our most significant learnings don’t actually arise when we are immersed in the present experience — but instead come long after, when we are intentionally reflecting back on our adventure in the Deep End. In my experience, 90% of my most valuable learning and growth comes through the act of pausing to reflect after the experience itself is over.
Had I not spent the time to intentionally sit down and think, reflect, journal, meditate and mentally deconstruct my experience – that learning and growth would remain trapped in my subconscious and eventually lost.
In a world that increasingly is too distracted, addicted to devices, ego driven, and without foundational framework or guide for living – we are losing sight of the art of learning.
Now let’s take a look at what we’ve learnt from the science.
Learning and The Conscious Brain
Our brain’s are incredible.
They are the reason we are here, standing upright, talking with others, and the dominant species on this planet. The brain has adapted and evolved over millions of years to help us thrive in this world.
Kevin Simlar and Robert Hanson, authors of “The Elephant in the Brain” make an argument that it is in fact this very ability to learn “post-experience” that has differentiated us from all other species on this planet. As we developed this capability hundreds of thousands of years ago to store and analyze past experiences we could update our set of actions to better optimize for survival. More on this shortly.
The facilitator of this capability for conscious thought and decision making is called our pre-frontal cortex (PFC). Whenever you are engaged in active thought — focusing on a new task, considering a set of decisions — this is your PFC at work. Unbeknownst to us, our brains have already done a lot of work in the milliseconds leading up to us forming a conscious thought. The main task is the parsing and prioritizing of millions of raw data points being collected by our brain via the brain stem at any given point in time. Before that conscious thought takes place our brain has already culled and stored 90% of the data it received and formatted the remaining 10% for our conscious processing in the PFC.
Here lies the gap.
When immersed in the present moment, we only have access to the information our brain deems most important to navigate the immediate decisions at hand.
This results in the “surface level” learnings and insights seen in the iceberg visual.
So, what happens to the 90% of information we don’t consciously get access to?
Accessing the Iceberg of our Subconscious
One of the most simple heuristics that has helped me understand how to access the iceberg of wisdom and knowledge hidden within our own subconscious mind is this:
As long as we are mentally preoccupied with an activity in the present, we cannot access our the iceberg of subconscious knowledge.
In other words, whether we are pursuing a goal in the Deep End of life, drowning in thoughts of stress and anxiety, or immediately jumping from one task to the next without pause — we are forgoing the opportunity to learn and grow from the depths of our subconscious.
Sidenote: Dr.Matthew Walker, author of “Why We Sleep” suggests that this also has a significant negative impact on our ability to fall asleep quickly and get deep restful sleep. By foregoing opportunities to pause and reflect throughout the day, our brain’s are forced to begin this activity just as we are laying our head down on the pillow.
Reflection & Inquiry
While we are only just beginning to understand the neuroscience of our brain’s processing of subconscious information, we have intuitively known the art of reflection tens of thousands of years how to access this information. The answer is simple and as a result is often overlooked.
Pause. Be still.
Quiet the mind.
Find Flow.
Rest. Recover.
Reflect. Inquire.
Slowing down, stillness, a quiet mind
A prerequisite to accessing the wisdom of our subconscious is the quieting of our conscious Pre Frontal Cortex powerhouse. This is one of the incredible benefits to breath-work, mindfulness meditation, and frankly any other activity that causes us to detach from our conscious thought — eg, going for a walk where you are simply focused on the awe of Mother Nature that surrounds you.
Non-Performance Flow States
Finding ‘Flow States’, or more specifically the act of being fully immersed and focused on a task that is intrinsically motivating, engaging, challenging and rewarding is another way to stimulate our subconscious processing. Inherently, Flow States are partially subconscious by nature (to access a Flow State you must have practiced the activity enough for our brain to have laid some “unconsciously competent” neural wiring) and don’t need to be performing a sport at an Olympic level. For example the walk described above (walking and general navigation being two of the activities with “unconsciously competent” wiring — can provide the right person with a Flow state). When it comes to using Flow States as a vehicle for subconscious processing I think it’s important to make the distinction between Performance Flow (intentionally using Flow to access a Peak Performance state) and Non-Performance Flow (fully immersed and engaged in an activity without the intention or requirement of Peak Performance).
Sleep
It turns out that REM sleep, occurring in the latter half of a full 7+ hour of sleep night (not to be confused with 7 hours in bed), is where our brains begin making ‘new’ connections between different streams of raw data that have been captured in the previous day. Compromise on sleep and you automatically lose this super hero power.
Reflection & Inquiry
Iceberg metaphor as it relates to conscious and unconscious learnings
There’s something about the iceberg metaphor that is staying on my mind. The most recent thought is the idea that every experience, adventure and journey we go on in life has the potential to represent significant learning and growth. Whether the outcome is good bad or ugly it actually doesn’t matter. As we walk through the experience we have access to the top half of the iceberg, the 10% of conscious learning that comes from the immediacy and present experience of whatever we’re going through. The problem, however is that it takes longer for our subconscious, which is capturing 90 to 95% of the information that we don’t consciously process to make sense of what we’re going through. This bottom half of the iceberg, the 90%, can only be accessed through intentional reflection, inquiry, And self reflection over time. When we choose to raise from one thing to the other, or to avoid the challenging self reflection that may come with failure, negative stories or deep scary vulnerabilities we lose and forfeit the opportunity to capture the 90% of growth and learning that we could otherwise apply to the long-term trajectory of our lives.
Where to from here?
If you want some help establishing your foundation, upon which you are able to jump into the Deep End, I would recommend taking some time completing this free Human Performance Assessment I have developed as part of the Human Performance Project.
Once your direction is set and you are up the High Dive or off into the Deep End, it’s important to build in intentional reflection time at different periods.
I founded The Human Performance Project to equip humans, teams, and groups with the roadmap and tools required to pursue audacious goals, dreams and aspirations in the Deep End of life.
You can learn more about this work here.
How to Thrive in Your 20s, 30s and 40s. An Exploration of the Second Act of Life.
“Excellence is the result of one, two, three or more decades of very high quality work” – Jay-Z, quoted...
